![]() Try putting down your phone, turn off your apps, and just back off for a while. ![]() We can cheat on our partner lying in bed next to them, on our phones and handheld devices. I know! Sounds impossible, right? In today's world, "tech cheating" is easier than ever. After all, we renew our driver's license every few years. What constitutes monogamy for both of you? What is a secret, and what should be private? Are you sexually exclusive? Are you emotionally unique to each other? (In my book The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, I give many ways to talk through some of these more complex conversations.) Therefore, the agreement should be as explicit as it can be.Īfter an affair, talk about what you want in your new monogamy agreement. It is also designed to be a mutual decision, a gift you give to one another. Monogamy is not a biological prison, nor is it a privilege. Can we stay desirous and monogamous for 90 years? Back then, by the time we got bored with each other, we were dead.įor couples today who are expected to live together for a lifetime, based on these traditional ideas of marriage, we have a life span of upward of 90 years. But we are going on a form of monogamy that is tied into a heteronormative Judeo-Christian tradition of marriage from 200 years ago, when we were living to be an average of 38 years old. (Here's our full guide on how to know if an open relationship is right for you.)Īre we born monogamous? Who knows. ![]() There are also many ways that couples stay mostly monogamous while at the same time having an open sexual agreement. A 2019 study found people who enjoy having a lot of casual sex with a lot of different people are actually more committed to their relationship when their relationship is consensually nonmonogamous. Are you finding monogamy isn't your thing? If that's the case, be honest with yourself and think about how a different relationship agreement might work better for you. You need to figure out why you can't live as a whole person in every area of your life. But nobody's life revolves around you, and you can't expect even your partner to bend to make you feel alive. If they would just act the way we want, love us the way we want, then we'd be happy. They may project that need onto their partner, but that is what we do, as people. Most affairs are not really about the partner or the relationship, even when you might blame them. Cheaters are not searching for something that is missing in their relationship they are searching for something that is missing in themselves. They are really searching for a missing part of themselves, a part of their identity, a part of themselves they feel they can't be at home. Usually cheaters like who they are when they are with their cheating partner. Recognize this: Cheaters are not necessarily looking for someone else they are looking to become someone else. Some couples say that after some therapy and erotic recovery, the affair may have been "the best thing that ever happened to them." This may be because the crisis of an affair forces you both to talk more honestly about what you both want in the vision of your lives going forward. On the other hand, sometimes an affair, once exposed, can open up and change the whole future of your current relationship. In the long run, you'll need to learn how to take responsibility for your actions, for your emotions, and for your needs if you're ever going to be able to have a happy and successful relationship. Additionally, if you're trying to use your cheating as a way to make your partner end things, understand that it's not only being dishonest with your partner-it's being dishonest with yourself. There's no need to hurt someone on your way out the door. First of all, understand that you're likely hurting your partner more with your affair than you would be with a breakup, and you also come off looking worse. Some people also use cheating as a passive-aggressive way to get their partner to break up with them so they don't have to do the dirty work. Don't swing from branch to branch while you're still in the tree. Tell them you want out and then have the new relationship you're seeking. If you've been using this affair as a key to what you consider a closed-door relationship, be honest with yourself and with your partner. Sometimes partners who feel they don't have a voice in a relationship will have an affair and realize they have been unhappy in their relationship all along, and this affair becomes the catalyst for a breakup, a way to find their voice, to finally express a need or desire, or to say to their spouse, "I'm done." It's an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over. Some affairs are what I call "can openers"-a way to end your partnership even when you didn't know you wanted out.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |